- Elise is 37 and for the past 5 years, she’s had very low sex-drive
- Extensive hormones tests gave no physical explanation
- She and her husband wanted to find a way to reconnect and make sex a part of their relationship again.
A sexless marriage is defined as one where the couple has sex less than 10 times a year. For Elise, her disinterest in sex had been going on for 5-years. There were many factors that played into this – including being on an opposite work schedule to her husband – but she knew that it was primarily because of her low libido.
I ran some additional, more comprehensive lab tests (to make sure that her doctors hadn’t missed anything) but found nothing out of the norm.
I did notice one thing. When Elise talked to me about her issue with sex drive, she seemed embarrassed. She giggled nervously everytime she mentioned sex.
I suspected that something in her past or her upbringing might be the clue we need to find to solve this health mystery.
I turned to Lauren Handel Zander. She’s the co-founder and chairwoman of the Handel Group and has been a life coach for over 20 years. She’s also the author of “Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life.” She is passionate about helping people create the life of their dreams from every angle.
Viability of a Great Relationship
Lauren believes that the depth and viability of a great relationship relies on both the enjoyment of life and the romantic partnership. It’s non-negotiable. Couples who explain away their low libido with time-constraints, stress, kids, or disinterest put their relationship at risk.
People are Lazy
Lauren points to the ease with which we can move sex to the bottom of the to-do list. It can easily become something that we don’t have the energy for. But, like going to the gym to stay fit, we need to find the energy for a healthy sex life.
Make a Commitment to Sex
Lauren recommends committing to sex the way you would commit to the gym. Promise yourself and your partner that you’ll meet x-number of times per week. You have to make it a priority and commit to it. She even encourages people to have a consequence for not keeping your promise.
Shame and Epigenetics May Affect Libido
A few weeks ago we spoke with Dr. Mario Martinez (Episode 007) about how shame and personal belief systems set by our parents can create a physical reaction. That includes a low libido. Epigenetics (which is the expression of our genes based on learned behaviour from our parents) can likewise affect our sexdrive.
Have the Sex Talk
To get to the root of this potential cause of a low libido, Lauren encourages her clients to talk to their parents about sex. Yes, even though they are adults, she suggests they finally have an open and frank ‘sex talk’. This releases the taboo around sex and can bring some honesty and reality to what married sex is really all about. It also takes the awkwardness and embarrassment out of the topic which can be incredibly freeing.
Know What You Want
It’s important for couples who are dealing with a sexless marriage (or a low-sex marriage) to get in touch with what they actually want. And, that they express this to each other. Lauren uses a visualization method that she encourages people to do specifically with their sex life.
Low Libido Can be Hormonal
A reduced sexdrive can be the result of hormone levels. In Elise’s case it wasn’t but if you’re suffering with a disinterest in sex, it’s important to have your estradiol, progesterone, Testosterone and DHEA-S tested. Lowered sex drive can also be experienced by those dealing with a thyroid issue so be sure to have your doctor check that as well.
Elise didn’t have any hormonal reasons for her low libido so we started to employ some of the methods offered up by Dr. Mario Martinez and Lauren Handel Zander. Elise was a bit resistant at first but she followed through. She even had ‘the talk’ with her parents and was able to let go of the awkwardness she felt around sex.
For Elize, her sexual health mystery was solved with some emotional work and a commitment to being more sexually engaged with her husband.
Eliminating Health Mysteries
For Elise we were able to find that missing piece of the health puzzle and help her regain her sex drive. Could shame, epigenetics, or laziness be your missing piece of the healthy sexlife puzzle? Have you listened to a friend complain about a low libido or sexless marriage? Be sure to share this episode with them.
Thanks to my guest Lauren Handel Zander. You can connect with her on Instagram or Facebook. She also has an online course that I recommend AND my listeners get $75 off by clicking my special link and using the promo code HEALTHMYSTERIES75
Chaste Tree (not available online, speak to your health practitioner)
Thanks for Listening
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